INTERESTING

This is probably the fifth time I’ve seen it since I’ve re-watched it over the two years since it was posted. I’ve always agreed with the points she brings up, and my response and feelings post video were always the same — mere unhappiness with the country’s state.

Except that now, I’m absolutely disgruntled and I have a sick feeling in my stomach. Ever since I returned to the US after five and a half long years, I’ve realised that my home belongs elsewhere. Perhaps the US, perhaps elsewhere, but definitely not Singapore. The thought of living here my entire life — working, probably having a family — is unfathomable. I can’t STAND the way of life, the people, the mindset and culture.

Unless you’re receiving an extremely generous salary, you enter the workforce, work your ass off at a 9-5 job, work overtime (for some), all so that you can survive in a place with a high cost of living. You slave and slog and sweat at a job to (barely) afford an exorbitant, tiny apartment. I don’t think it’s fair to live this way. I hope I don’t have to. You can’t even get free refills of water or coffee, what more can you expect? People here would charge you for anything under the sun, given a chance.

The people here aren’t as kind or friendly, much to my liking. You say hi to a person or make conversation with anyone and they shoot you strange looks. As much as I’m fine with people minding their own business and not wanting to interact with others, a culture apparent in Singapore and other Asian countries, it just doesn’t feel like home to me. It’s not that I think the outgoing way of life found in Western countries is necessary to my survival here, I see it as more of a preference. It’s just who I am; I love seeing people interact with each other and welcome new people with open arms, and I would prefer living in a place that’s able to offer that. I call a place like the US home because I feel accepted there. No binds, no restrictions, it’s a place where I can be myself and fit in comfortably. Not Singapore.

In my experience, I’ve come across many selfish people who only care about themselves and disregard others. If it’s a matter that doesn’t concern them, you won’t see them showing any concern for you, and I’ve seen this mindset in lots of places. In school, you ask a schoolmate a question on homework and they don’t bother helping. Maybe that’s not such a good example since I’m not entitled to everyone helping me, but I’ve seen people who obviously look lost and confused in town, but no one helps. It’s not common to see Singaporeans who don’t take the initiative to help others. Why is that? Could it be because of the abovementioned aloof society that we have? Or other reasons like the typical self-centred mindset? Something else? I don’t know. I could be wrong about this, though.

One thing that I’m definitely sure about is that we have an elitist mindset with regards to schools and grades, and I hate that. Sure, you get that everywhere and not just in SG but over here, you’re looked down upon if you don’t go to an ‘elite’ school or have perfect grades or achievements in recreational activities. A lot of people scoff at ITE and poly students and even kids who go to what’s considered a ‘lower class’ junior college. I’d like to ask the people (PARENTS ESPECIALLY) who fit that description: Does it really fucking matter what school you (or your child) go(es) to, you pretentious twat? I especially hate these people who live in their tiny bubbles, thinking they’re THE SHIT that they or their kid went to some elite school like Raffles or Hwa Chong or some shit. GUESS WHAT? IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER! Why should we be judged based on what institution we went to or what grades we get? That’s why I can’t stand this place anymore because you’re deemed a worthless, good for nothing scum if you don’t fit the mould.

This place is too judgemental for me, and too small for me. This tiny, tiny place, where the mindset is that you win if you go to an elite school, get a good successful job and a shiny car and a big house stashed with cash. This tiny place where there’s only one way to doing EVERYTHING; no other methods, no other way of living. It’s a place where you follow the rules or you lose. And I can’t live that way. I swear to god, I would relentlessly loathe myself for not having the courage to leave. If I stay it’d be like viciously tearing away at my rotting, drained (starting to cry as I type this), limp heart. I wouldn’t even have the ability to hate myself because I would be lifeless. Call me dramatic, but that’s how I feel, maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m not. I fucking hate the close mindedness that a lot of people have here and the unwillingness to accept new ideas. So why should I call this place my home if I can’t have the confidence or comfort to express myself — my beliefs, my thoughts and my feelings which I hold so dearly —  completely?