Another conversation and some thoughts I've been having.

I've been trying to come to terms with some developments that have happened lately. I learned some perceptions my friend has of me and I'm starting to realise and see patterns in her self-righteousness and her perceived superiority. It's beginning to get annoying.

Not only that, but she's also copying the things that I say. I know I shouldn't get annoyed over such trivial things and I don't know why it's bothering me so much. I find it stifling that she's around me for a huge chunk of the day when I would rather be alone or interacting with other people. 

I found it hard to open up to her in the past, but I'm even more closed off to her now after what she's said to me. The barrier just got stronger and sturdier, I wonder if it'll ever come down. I can't trust her completely, and that's fine. My stance on this is simple: I feel no need to have personal, meaningful conversations with her, and if she wants to continue sharing personal information with me, then so be it. I have emotional intimacy with other friends who I know won't process the information and secrets that I reveal, and impose their own meaning on it and judge me. 

I've tried opening up in the past, but I was shut out. One's not the best listener, the other's insecure and has to compare her experiences to mine. Both try to psychoanalyze every inch of my being and give unneeded advice. As I've mentioned before, I don't need any processing of my problems or what I say, I find it threatening and uncomfortable. Once you do that to a person, it's hard for them to be willing to put themselves in a position of vulnerability again.

And with the added barrier, I've placed myself in the odd position where I don't really care about my friends' deeper issues. Sharing their problems with me would make this a one-sided relationship. Since I'm less willing to share my issues, I'm also less interested in their issues. I don't know if this makes me a bad friend, I'm just thinking out loud here.

I can't predict what our friendship will be like in the future. Who knows, maybe something will come up that'll bring us closer? I'm not completely closed off to the idea of a deeper friendship, but I highly doubt that'll happen. 

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Onto the next topic: Mr Hasim. 

I don't know, I've never gotten along so well with a teacher before. He's really the only other teacher I can connect with. Probably because he's weird and I'm pretty strange myself. And our sense of humour is so compatible, haha. The jokes are really good. 

I'm still trying to figure out what he means by "I enjoy talking to you because you have a different perspective." I am not smart enough to offer a different perspective. I think he's just calling me weird in a nice way. That's usually the case.

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Also, to all my close friends, I love you guys. I love being able to connect with you all. <3 <3