Despite this, I can't be bothered to study. I have no motivation to do anything, and most of the work that I do is out of fear. I have no goals (is a vague, idealistic, gunning for straight As even enough to motivate me?) while everyone else seems to know what they're doing. I don't find good grades very satisfying, and it often leaves me with this empty feeling inside.
I think, while I'm stuck in this rut, the best thing to do is to try, painfully and as much as I can, to the best of my ability, to stay positive and motivate myself by seeing this as a character building exercise. It's a way to test my work ethic, drive, and capability to put in the hard work and stay disciplined. The objective is to leave with no regrets and to do the best that I can. I need to fix my sleep cycle (haha, as I write this at 12.30am!) and be more organised, task-oriented, and focused.
I hope I can do this. I need to make myself proud. A lot of my self-loathing comes from my terrible work ethic and laziness; the obvious solution is to stop this cycle in its tracks. I need to put everything on hold, focus on what I'm doing and not on what everyone else is doing, I learn at my own pace and in my own, strange way. It's just less than three months, so let's see how this pans out.
I need to impress myself and prove myself wrong.
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