Ryan

I've neglected this space for so long that typing "all" into my browser doesn't automatically suggest this website in the dropbox anymore. Oh well. I've been so lazy, and I've been too lazy to get up in my feelings and untangle this mass of emotions. Well, today, and the past few days, really, I am armed with a heavy heart and I'll do just that! Barely started on this and I'm already crying. I hate writing and I hate confronting my feelings so I'm really forcing myself to do this.

You know, I feel like I don't have much to write about, but at the same time, I do. It was just two days and I can't believe I've been so inspired by everything we did, but it leaves me wondering about the what ifs, the future, and a whole lot of other possibilities. I feel like this isn't worth writing about because I barely know you, but I have to do it. This might be premature of me to believe, but here's my point: you made me realise that I could possibly love someone wholly and commit to. Maybe it's just infatuation, but I had a very, very good feeling about you when we first met, and I still do. You're so different from other guys in that I always had my doubts about the longevity of the relationship. There was always a part of me that would hold back and was so uncertain (maybe that's not exactly a bad thing, who knows), but with you, I just knew, I just believed, I just felt good. I've shared this with you and I'm not sure if you feel exactly the same way since it's probably more intense on my side, but I know even you considered long distance and believed in a future. I'm so fucking frustrated. I just can't believe this had to end. It feels so right but this fucking distance would kill it all.

I don't know what kind of guy would introduce himself by sending over a photoshopped picture of me and a baby racoon, and I'm not sure why I'd return the favour with the romantic gesture of drawing dicks over a picture of you in the shower. It was weird from the beginning, and I like weird.

I felt a strong connection as we walked through the Gallery and talked, and talked, and joked, and joked, and joked, and joked. When we were sitting in that little cove, a respectable space maintained, learning more about each other, laughing about how "cultured" we were for knowing the rules to American sports. You know, this is another thing that I like, I felt a sense of familiarity in how you understood both American and Singaporean culture. We looked at the art a little more and we decided to leave the Gallery to watch a movie after just barely getting there. I returned the tickets and brochures and the guy at the counter looked so confused, "don't you want the tickets?" No, man, we don't. We want movie tickets. I remember wanting to hold your hand so bad within such a short period of knowing you because of the strong connection I felt. Our hands brushed against each other and I was so tempted to just grab yours, but I waited. I knew it was going to happen soon.

And yeah, of course, you bought the tickets to the couple seats located right at the back of the theatre. We both knew what was going to happen. The Incredibles 2 was such a great movie, I can't even give a fuck about the plot because there was something happening right beside me that was more attention-grabbing, haha. I remember just being the loudest people wherever we went, even in the theatres as we joked about and danced to the stupid trailers and ads. God, everything with you is just so god damn fun. It's like we're in our own little world, thinking up and creating all these hilarious and fun ideas to amuse ourselves. When the little dumpling movie started playing and we wound down, I set my hand free, laying it on my lap, hoping you would reach for it.

And you did.

It was like everything was in slow motion with your hand reaching over to grab mine. My heart was beating pretty fast, I was excited. Eventually, you were tired of the "respectable" distance and pushed up the armrest and we started cuddling. You tried to kiss my cheek at the start and I didn't react at all. I was a bit surprised but more into the movie, sorry. "Sorry, too soon?" I turned your head towards the screen.

It was so sweet though. You tried again later, I felt you leaving a trail of kisses from my cheek leading up to the corner of my mouth. I didn't move and smirked at you from the corner of my eye, and I could see you smiling, moving away from your seat to find my reaction. You continued your cute, sweet, little light kisses on my cheek and paused, moving your fingers to my lips and caressing them gently. It tickled with nerves as you brushed your thumb back and forth. With enough tension built up and my heart beating faster as your face inched towards mine, I turned and kissed you. I was so glad you didn't start with your tongue. We were smiling so much. You're my favourite and the best Singaporean kisser. Your body was so warm and I could hear your heart beating pretty quickly.

I went back to kiss you every once in a while, and each time I'd pull away dizzy and breathless and... aroused. It was such a great way to kiss, it was so light-hearted and fun, we were giggling and it was just... innocent, mostly, haha. It was truly incredible. I remember this one particular time when we both sensed that we wanted each other so bad that we practically smacked our faces against each other and started making out with so much passion, speed, strength, all that good stuff. That was pretty awesome, how in sync we were. I liked The Incredibles 2, a lot of plot holes but it doesn't matter.

After the movie, we made out a bit more in the theatre and left. I was so dizzy, I couldn't get up and walk straight. I really like our fun, light-hearted conversations where we just play along with each other and bounce ideas around, there's just too much to talk about. It's always so fun to be around you, I can't emphasize this enough. I don't even have to try, it's just so easy because we get each other so well.

"Oh my god dude you're sooooo coooooooool!"
"Ohhhhhh you're cool too!"
"You're sooo coooooool!"
"Yeahhh you're cool!"

"You're such a cool gal!"

"You're so fun!"
"You're fun too!"

And this one cool ass jinxing that happened when I was telling a story:

"So about a week ago..." and I stopped and sang "About a week ago!" and I was so surprised because you did the same. That was pretty freaky and awesome at the same time.
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We met again the next day. You suggested chilling out at your place, watching a movie. Sure, we both know where that would lead to. I gave into temptation and agreed.

We ate at Srisun in Serangoon. You said that their prata place was decent and had friendly service, compared to the other place that was really really really good but had unfriendly people, haha. We walked in and you asked which side I wanted to sit on, "Booth? Chair?" until we both decided, AT THE SAME TIME, "Let's just sit together," and we looked at each other, so impressed that we had the same idea. Stupidly impressed. I love it, I love how we can amuse ourselves so easily. There wasn't a lot of space where we were so it was pretty funny when we tried to eat.

You made me laugh so hard I spat prata out onto my hand. I can't remember what you said but the Muslim lady in front of us was not impressed with how loud we were. I remember you showing me your palm, asking for my hand, and I intentionally said, "What do you want me to do with it?" and you replied, "What else do I want you to do? Give me a high five?" Then we started high fiving each other. Always making a game of everything, playing, our own bubble. Fuck everyone else, haha.

Again, when we left our hands brushed against each other and you grabbed my hand. I asked, "Why? I don't wanna hold your hand." and you replied, "Ok, it's either your hand, my arm around your shoulder, my arm around your waist, or I grab your ass." I responded with a very emphatic,  dude-voiced, "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" and you copied my voice, which was absolutely fucking hilarious. Turning something sexual and flirtatious into a joke, it's fucking hilarious.

(Cuddling)


I'm not crying over the what's lost, I'm crying over what could have been and the circumstances that prevent that from happening. I really had a good feeling about all of this and of you and I'm so fucking frustrated and pissed off that nothing can come of it.

The day after (2 Aug, Thurs) was absolute shit for me. I went to sleep thinking of you, dreaming of you, and waking up to you in my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about you and I already miss you. I'm even writing this shit for you and crying my ass off. It just doesn't make sense. Even when I was watching some TV you'd pop in my head once in a while.

Update: It's 3am, as I'm writing this and crying I receive a message from you saying that you "realize you like talking to me." I don't know what to do, I don't know if I should let you know how I feel. It's a bit intense and emotions are running high.

Update: 5.40am: Yep, told you everything. I feel a bit better now. I'm still a bit sad but at least you know how I feel.