ACL Week 1

I'm gaining a lot of mobility in my leg now. I went for my first physiotherapy session and I'm able to bend my leg to a 90-degree angle! I also learned how to use crutches because the walking frame is just too slow and painful, and not to mention lame. I feel more motivated than ever to return to my original self; perhaps even stronger than before. I want to be stronger than I was. I want to build the proper foundations for my future to prevent injury and to be in the best shape ever. I need to start picking up the slack in all areas of my life, not just my studies. I know I can do it, I have the ability to stay motivated and strong and I need to have a stronger mindset. I really need to get stuck out of this rut, this endless loop of procrastination, mindless surfing of the net and fixating on past drama. Lack of occupation is toxic and I don't know why I'm afraid of filling up my schedule, working hard, and even thinking hard. I'm making up all these excuses and occupying myself with things that don't matter and making myself feel worse. I need to change -- I am capable of change.

Fear. The fear is what stops me from starting. Starting anything is so hard. I'm so afraid of all the work I have to do and all the things I don't know. I'm so afraid of working hard, of forcing myself to think, of forcing myself to endure a little pain. I don't have a lot of time yet I think I do, I need to care a little more about the important things in my life. I'm not very pleased with my attitude nowadays and I have no one to blame but myself. I say I'm sick and tired of this stifling environment but really, I'm just making excuses for myself. I know I can do it and I can push through and learn to love the struggle and the grind and force myself to do it; but I don't. I'm afraid of discomfort and frankly speaking, that's some PUSSY SHIT right there. I'm a fucking pussy.

I know I might seem too harsh on myself but that's how I think I can get back on track. I can't keep looking back at my secondary school days because the game has changed. Things are harder now but I need to learn how to ADAPT and SUCK IT UP. I need to start planning my shit before I get sucked deeper into this cycle.

NO MORE EXCUSES. NO MORE PROCRASTINATION. NO MORE DRIFTING ALONG. I need to take matters into MY OWN hands. Stop wasting time and energy on useless things and people. Stop looking back, focus on the future.

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Ben. I need to accept that there's no point in me being right or wrong. I need to take a whole new perspective on this and drop this whole god damn boring as fuck topic as soon as possible because it's starting to be a fucking drag to think about and talk about and bother my friends with. I really feel so bad for them for having to deal with this shit when it's been HOW MANY MONTHS? He's just a person from the past and he's out of my life for good now. His opinion of me shouldn't matter because I know who I am. It was my first relationship and first major conflict that I had to deal with which involved a lot of emotions, so I need to accept that not everything can go perfect and not everything was in my control. Even if there were other options, I need to realise that what happened is in the past and doesn't reflect who I truly am as a person. I'm not a bad person for having lapses in my decision making or being fickle about my emotions -- I am only human. We all make mistakes and we learn. This..... this will all be in the past and forgotten. Stop fixating on this. Stop thinking about this. Stop viewing anything related to this (including the Wikipedia page of the UK). I may have triggers that I don't know about or some deep insecurity that I'm unsure of, but there's no pressing need to find out what exactly it is. It's fine. Don't worry. Deal with things as they come along, see this issue as a lesson that I can apply to the future. See this as growth.

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My Gameplan

I don't have any fixed plans as of yet and I need to do one up soon, but the general rule is that if I catch myself wandering to negative thoughts, I should think of this post and the reason behind why I'm writing this.

I will prioritise my body over everything else. I only have one set of legs after all. But who says I can't prioritise other things at the same time? Again, I cannot be afraid of pain and hard work. I need to have some purpose -- a direction I can lead myself in.

I need to remember why I started.

Work on myself. Don't care about what other people think or say of me. Work on myself and prioritise myself over other people. With this, I believe things will fall into place naturally and I wouldn't give my time and energy to people who see me as an option in their life. Godspeed.
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Anyway, I need to keep up this good progress of my ACL. I can bend it with much, much less pain. I'm slowly learning how to adapt to this new lifestyle and make the most of what I have now. I will not dwell on the past and what I was able to do and cannot do now; the future will be better, I know it. I will come back stronger than before and with an ACL perfectly intact.

GOD.
SPEED.

Spread peace, hate less, love more and love with all your heart.