On the verge of tears

The thought of going back to school is depressing. I'm fine with classes and homework, but not the people. They are so judgemental, dramatic, heartless, annoying and mean. No matter how much you stay away from it all and how isolated you are, people still talk about you behind your back, label you as a loner and think it's a bad thing. Even when you don't do anything to them, they still hate you. What is wrong with everyone? Why can't you just leave the person alone? I wish I could be home schooled. Going back to school and seeing all these people and interacting with them is tiring.

I go out with my friends and I feel empty, it's not as fun anymore. I have a few intimate friends, Winette, Stephanie, Yasir, Valerie(kind of) and I find it hard to open up to them, it just makes you feel so vulnerable. The people I try opening up to are Aaron and Keren, but it's still hard. I find it easier through writing, and I should probably be writing this in my personal one but it's convenient to do it on here. I don't feel the joy I used to feel when I go out with my friends anymore, I'd much rather be alone, spending my time on the internet, reading or sleeping. I've lost all motivation to do anything, including playing the bass, and I felt so much guilt when I clicked the 'random' button on Reddit and it brought me to the bass subreddit. I don't get it, I lose motivation to play bass yet I feel guilty when I'm not playing it?

I hate the fact that the norm is for you to get a degree and get a job and get money. You wake up and go to work and do the same job you've been doing the past 20 years just to make ends meet. Sure, that's the average lifestyle and you should be grateful if you have it since it's a much better situation than those who are less fortunate, but it leaves you empty. The people who are kind of close to me are the kind who care only for money, status. The kind who would befriend others for their own greedy and selfish benefit. People can be so crazy and this world is crazy. How I wish I could live without a care in the world, how I wish I could be happy doing whatever I want to do without worry, how I wish I could just sing 'Tiny Dancer' at the top of my lungs in a car with the windows rolled down with a lover/person with the same mindset.

People grow, people change. I have changed, but for the good or for the bad? Both, maybe. I need to be a better person, I'm less compassionate for people now, maybe I'm a psychopath. I spend my time worrying, worrying about the future when I shouldn't be worrying. What's there to worry about? I'm young but I feel ancient. Is it because I've never done anything meaningful in my life? Where have the years gone? It's all just washed away. People change, friends change. The friendship is still there but it's not the same. My friends are growing apart from each other, yet I don't care. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be, we all have our own lives.

There's just so many thoughts racing through my head right now and I find it hard to express them. I cried today and I'm listening to The Cure to help me out. I feel so much better now, I think I just needed to get it all out of my system. It's amazing how powerful songs are, how it can bring back the memory and atmosphere and emotion when you heard it for the first time. I first heard the song Tiny Dancer in the movie 'Almost Famous'. It was in the scene where the band members just got out of an argument with each other and were in a bus and the song started playing. They all sang it and remembered why they got together in the first place: because of their love for music. The song makes me sad for some reason, to me the Tiny Dancer in the song refers to a lady who just loves and lives life effortlessly without a trace of worry, not burdened by religion or society.

There's so many things causing my sadness. I just want to be alone, but I feel better after writing this.

"Poof, you are home."

Jesus freaks out in the street
Handing tickets out for God
Turning back she just laughs
The boulevard is not that bad

Piano man he makes his stand
In the auditorium
Looking on she sings the songs
The words she knows, the tune she hums

All these people who waste their time fighting about religion, sexual orientation and all the pointless stuff, I feel so sorry for them. Just let people live the way they want.